wemakegreatpets
[
previous
| bottom
]
INT. DROPTUBE - DAY
Bands of light flash by faster and faster as they accelerate.
Ace and Suzie look at each other and stop screaming.
Threep giggles.
THREEP
Weee! Bottom soon!
ACE
Then what? We bounce?
THREEP
Nope. Woop-de-loo.
Ace grits his teeth in preparation.
They hit the woop-de-loo and go upside down, slowing, then
right side up and then...
INT. GUARD ROOM - DAY
They are dropped on their butts in the middle of a guard room
where they surprise a crowd of ten foot tall preying mantises
wearing multi-colored fungi.
The Insectoids brandish rifles at them.
A smaller, matronly Insectoid Lectures them.
MATRONLY INSECTOID
BAD HOMINIDS! It is not safe for
you to be loose in this
environment. If this behavior
continues you will be severely
disciplined. BAD!
She sprays them with water in thier faces and then the guards
shoot them with their stun guns.
INT. CAVE DISPLAY - DAY
Ace sleeps spooning Suzie, holding Threep like a teddy bear,
in a depression in the floor of a cave.
A bell rings and they snap awake.
One wall of the cave is glass with Insectoid lookie-loos
pointing and chatting on the other side.
ACE
This sucks. We are on display.
Ace explores the area, Threep on his shoulder, finding a fake
fire pit and a disguised food panel.
Suzie sticks her tongue out at a small Insectoid who is
watching them. The Insectoid, surprised, notifies it's
parental unit.
SUZIE
It's a zoo.
Ace paces, giving mad glances to the Insectoid spectators.
ACE
This is not cool. All these insects
looking at me. Now I know why
monkeys throw their poo.
THREEP
Cheer up, silly. Free food, nice
nest.
Ace, annoyed, puts Threep on a rock and looks him in the
eye(s).
ACE
Where I come from there is nothing
more precious than freedom. We deny
freedom to bad people who break our
laws. We have done no wrong so our
imprisonment is unjust.
Ace stands tall, hands on hips, looking up and to the left.
ACE
Give me liberty or give me death. I
would rather die free on my feet
than to live like a slave on my
knees.
Suzie saunters over.
SUZIE
Why you being so morbid? All this
talk of death and dying.
THREEP
Yeah, Why?
ACE
We need to escape again.
Suzie shakes her head.
SUZIE
You need to relax. Take a break.
Plan. We obviously have plenty of
time.
Suzie waves at an Insectoid who waves back.
SUZIE
See? They're not all bad.
Ace sits down hard on the rocky floor and blows out his
cheeks.
ACE
Okay. Relax. Plan.
Suzie ignores him but he has Threep's rapt attention.
ACE
This is a zoo. They have to keep it
clean. When they come to clean the
cages, we jump them. How's that?
Just then a small spider-like cleaning robot emerges from a
sliding door in the ceiling, walks along the walls, and
cleans the windows.
THREEP
Jump it!
Threep springs up and lands on the spider-bot, knocking it to
the ground. It easily pins him.
SUZIE
Quit struggling.
Threep complies and the spider-bot lets him up and resumes
it's program.
ACE
Threep, can your Nanites get us out
of here? Find the hidden door?
Threep rubs his side in pain with his tail.
THREEP
Nope. No door. Hatch.
And he points up with his tail.
ACE
Fudge.
INT. CAVE DISPLAY -- DAY
Ace has a two day growth of beard. He heckles the Insectoid
tourists passing by.
ACE
(Mocking)
Look. I'm a caveman. I'm a monkey.
He paces and swings his arms like a monkey. An Insectoid
couple watch, fascinated.
Suzie and Threep watch, fascinated also.
ACE
Ooo - ooo. Watch the monkey.
Ace rushes the window and SLAMS into it, frightening the
Insectoids, Suzie, and Threep - who all jump.
The tourist Insectoids call over a uniformed 'Zookeeper'
Insectoid. They point at Ace and converse excitedly.
SUZIE
Now you did it. They're telling on
you.
The Zookeeper talks into his thoractic communicator.
A humming begins then turns into a rumble, then a shaking.
Ace, Suzie, And Threep huddle in their nest.
ACE
Aw shish kabob.
The walls and floor of the cave morph, becoming smooth and
flat.
Then the walls close in.
Suzie picks up Threep and they all shuffle to the middle of
the room.
ACE
Any ideas?
Suzie shakes her head, petting Threep. The walls have
compressed to a two foot square area going all the way to the
ceiling.
They look up as the roof opens and they are sucked up into a
tube - FWOOSH.
INT. CONVEYOR ROOM - DAY
Suzie is torn from his grasp and swooshed away down a
different tube while Ace is wrapped with blue energy bands
and hung on a conveyor chain in a high tech maintenance area.
Right next to Sam, who is in the same situation.
SAM
Ace! How are you?
ACE
Were you bad too?
SAM
Not to my knowledge.
ACE
So maybe this isn't the flensing
line.
The conveyer starts with a lurch and they swing from their
hooks.
INT. CLEANING ROOM - DAY
They go down and around a bend where Sam gets stripped by
robots. He is soaked with a sudsing spray and then water
jets.
Then Ace's turn.
A blast of hot air dries them each, Leaving their hair in
afros.
SAM
This is nice!
Ace doesn't think so.
At the next station a machine wraps around Sam's waist.
Sounds of clunking and buzzing are accompanied by facial
contortions of curiosity, surprise, incredulity, and then
shame.
A snip and Sam screams.
SAM
My balls!
Sam and Ace both struggle in their bonds. Sam moves along and
now it's Ace's turn.
Ace grits his teeth and clenches every muscle, trying to
retract his testicles into his body.
ACE
The horror.
And the conveyer moves on, skipping the castration.
They go down a bit and they are robot fitted with gray
bodysuits.
Sam is indignant.
SAM
Why did they skip you? I'm the good
one. How did you hack the system?
You son of a bitch I'll get you
back.
Sam moves away on a branching chain, ranting and talking to
himself.
Ace is stunned.
ACE
Sorry, bro.
INT. SMALL ROOM - DAY
Suzie, in a gray bodysuit, is sitting on a bench in a round
room with white walls, petting Threep.
Ace is brought in, hanging in his energy bonds, and released.
ACE
Are you okay, Suzie? Did they do
anything ... surgical to you?
SUZIE
No, I'm okay.
THREEP
Me too!
They hug.
ACE
They castrated Sam.
Suzie shows fear and revulsion. Threep confusion.
One wall slides up and the two Insectoids that told on Ace
are there, waving.
They point lightsaber handles at Ace and Suzie, who cringe.
Energy collars form around their necks,connected back to the
handles by a thin thread of orange light.
The larger of the two Insectoids gestures.
FISS
I am known as Fiss, and this is my
nest-mate named Snegg.
Ace gestures back.
ACE
I am known as Ace, And this is my
nest-mate named Suzie.
Suzie raises her eyebrows at this revelation as Threep pops
up.
THREEP
I am known as Threep and I don't
have a nest-mate yet.
Fiss and Snegg turn and walk out of the room, tugging on the
leashes. Ace and Suzie run to keep up.
INT. RECEPTION AREA - DAY
The Insectoids let them have some slack so Ace and Suzie can
roam a little in the welcoming area. Fiss talks to a
receptionist Insectoid that sits behind a desk as they pass.
FISS
Thank you.
RECEPTIONIST INSECTOID
Enjoy.
ACE
This isn't a Zoo, it's a pet
adoption center!
FISS
No talking.
EXT. PARK - DAY
They walk through the park and see all the other Insectoids
with their human pets on leashes.
The sky is bright blue and the trees have odd shapes, like
mutants. Huge flowers threaten swallowing.
They make their way to a round platform that bubbles over and
detaches from the ground.
INT. FLYING PLATFORM - DAY
They fly over a Magnificent robotic city with crisscrossing
lines of flying traffic. Bright energy sources are connected
to the buildings and each other by lines of force.
ACE
So, Fiss. I'm new to all this. How
does it work?
FISS
Pets do not speak unless spoken to.
Fiss hits a button on his handle.
ACE
But what if...
The leash shocks him - FZZZT ZAP.
ACE
Ow!
ZAP!
ACE
Ow!
ZAP!
ACE
Ow!
ZAP!
Ace learns hard sometimes.
He holds his hands over his mouth.
He relaxes.
ACE
Whew.
And the process starts all over.
ACE
Ow!
ZAP!
ACE
Ow!
ZAP!
ACE
Ow!
ZAP!
Hand over mouth.
Suzie and Threep giggle silently at the absurdity.
FISS
(to Snegg)
This one learns hard.
SNEGG
Should we take it back?
Fiss ponders.
FISS
No. We need a breeding pair.
Ace and Suzie exchange glances, Suzie worried, Ace grinning.
EXT. DOME HOUSE FRONT YARD - DAY
The flying platform glides down to a landing pad and settles.
It unbubbles and they enter the dome house through an iris in
the side.
INT. DOME HOUSE - DAY
The style of the house could be called super high class high
tech. Sweeping lines terminating in indecipherable
mechanisms.
FISS
Hi, house.
DOME HOUSE (O.S.)
Welcome back, Fiss and Snegg. I
missed you.
FISS
As we, you.
Ace and Suzie rubberneck as they are lead from one stunningly
beautiful room to another.
This might not be so bad after all.
The Insectoids lead Ace and Suzie to the back yard, Which has
been prepared for them.
Mud hut and all.
EXT. DOME HOUSE BACK YARD - DAY
The Insectoids release Ace and Suzie into their new home.
FISS
Have fun but don't play too hard,
later we have to practice tricks.
Fiss and Snegg retire to the dome house.
Ace looks around at the squalor. Suzie puts Threep on a stump
and beelines to the mud hut.
ACE
Shish kabob. We need to escape.
Threep pipes up.
THREEP
You always say that.
Suzie pops her head out of the mud hut.
SUZIE
This isn't so bad.
THREEP
And you always say that!
Ace gets annoyed.
ACE
And you always say that!
THREEP
No I don't.
ACE
I know. But it sounded good.
Ace Checks out the back yard. There is a fence to keep them
in and a small pond next to the hut.
A glowing energy blob sits on a pole and is connected to the
house by a line of force.
In the hut a cooking area and a bathroom are adjacent to a
sleeping nest.
Ace raises his arms, embracing all in mock sincerity.
ACE
Home sweet home.
INT. DOME HOUSE - NIGHT
Fiss and Snegg sit on a large couch with Ace and Suzie on
small beanbags at their feet. Ace has Threep on his shoulder.
FISS
Your pet can translate for us. We
will now show you all the tricks
you will need to perform at the
show.
Ace is confused.
ACE
Tricks? Show?
Fiss clatters to his feet.
FISS
Yes. There is a big show every
third fnarp. Everyone's pets
perform and they are judged and
given prizes!
Suzie is suspicious. Prizes?
FISS
And the best pet's children bring
the best prices.
ACE
You are going to sell our children
if we do good? What if we do not so
good?
FISS
You are our third pair.
Fiss sits.
ACE
I don't think we are going to do it
this 'third fnarp'. Maybe next
'third fnarp'.
Suzie decides.
SUZIE
No. We will do it. I can play
guitar and sing.
FISS
Good.
Ace goes along with the girl and inventories his talents,
counting them on his fingers.
ACE
Most of my talents are not suitable
for public performance, more for
private quarters, if you know what
I mean, wink wink, but I can
Hambone.
FISS
I do not know what you mean and
what is this Hambone?
Ace demonstrates by leaning over and rhythmically slapping
his upper legs, back, and sides. With intermittent double
clapping.
Suzie laughs.
The Insectoids converse. Ace stops.
SUZIE
You're a hillbilly!
ACE
Yup. I was born in Arizona.
FISS
This Hambone will be acceptable.
Now for your costumes. House
please?
Fiss gestures and a rack of silly costumes is thrust into the
room. There are clown, mime, mermaid and many unrecognizable
get-ups.
ACE
Aw, hell no.
INT. DOME HOUSE - NIGHT
Ace stands, dressed like Elvis in a purplish sequined
jumpsuit with a cape and high collar. He frowns.
Suzie has on a mime outfit. She feigns surprise then picks an
invisible Dandelion then blows it.
The Insectoids chitter, conversing.
INT. DOME HOUSE - NIGHT
They both wear very tight Cirque du Soleil costumes. Ace
still frowns.
INT. DOME HOUSE - NIGHT
Ace stands, dressed like Elton John in a duck suit, still
frowning.
Suzie is Tinkerbell.
Ace waddles, pacing, his ducks ass swinging wildly.
ACE
This is not working. I need to be
comfortable to perform at my best.
I am not comfortable.
FISS
While your comfort is a factor in
your performance, the audience has
come to expect a certain level of
showmanship. We can compromise.
INT. DOME HOUSE - NIGHT
They are both in their Cirque du Soleil costumes again. Suzie
has a guitar.
FISS
Now you need to work together to
make us proud. Try.
Suzie strums a chord. Ace shakes his head.
ACE
I can't do this. I am not a
performing monkey.
FISS
But you are!
Ace sits now, stubbornly refusing.
ACE
Nope.
The Insectoids heatedly converse. They decide.
FISS
You will go to Obedience School
tomorrow.
ACE
Ain't gonna go.
INT. MUD HUT - NIGHT
Suzie is cooking over a fake open fire. She is angry,
slamming pots and pans down.
SUZIE
We need to cooperate with them so
they will relax and trust us. Then
when we get our chance, we take it!
Ace is forlorn.
ACE
I can't, Suzie. I just can't. It is
emasculating.
Suzie puts her hands on her hips.
SUZIE
But it's not, not like Sam.
Suzie shakes her head sadly while Ace hangs his head.
EXT. DOME HOUSE - DAY
A flying platform comes in for a landing in front of the
waiting Fiss and Ace with Threep on his shoulder.
An Insectoid driver and half a dozen humans are on board. A
few have speckleButt caterpillars.
Threep whistles and his Nanites emerge from the glowing
energy orb on the pole and spiral onto his back.
Fiss hands off Ace's leash to the driver and they take off.
INT. FLYING PLATFORM - DAY
Ace checks out the other bad pets. Two short Hispanic men,
three kids, and a beautiful girl with dark hair and ruby
lips. ALYSSA. Ace is smitten.
Alyssa has a very feminine giant caterpillar on her shoulders
that winks an eye stalk at Threep. Threep is smitten.
EXT. SKYSCRAPER - DAY
They fly over the city and land on a spiny skyscraper. They
are released into a holding area ringed with energy ropes.
Ace goes up to the Hispanic men.
ACE
So what did you guys do to get
here?
They look at him like he is stupid.
HISPANIC MAN 1
We were disobedient?
ACE
Ah. Yes. Makes sense. Mumble.
And he wanders off, embarrassed.
ALYSSA
(whispers)
Psst. Over here.
Ace sidesteps over to her. He raises his eyebrows a few
times.
ACE
(voice low)
Hi there. My name is Ace and this
is Threep.
ALYSSA
Alyssa. This is Sugiyama. Meet me
at lunch.
The caterpillars make goo-goo eyes at each other.
An Insectoid handler clatters up and leads the children into
the skyscraper.
ACE
Lunch? Okay. Let's do lunch.
THREEP
(to Ace)
Her name is Sue! Just like your
girl! What a co-winkie-dink!
The Insectoid comes for Ace, puts the collar on him, and
leads him through an iris into the skyscraper.
Ace waves surreptitiously.
INT. SKYSCRAPER - DAY
He is lead to a row of droptubes and pushed into one. He
drops and pops out after a loop-de-loo into a room with a
school chair/desk combo and a small teacher Insectoid.
INT. ROOM - DAY
The teacher Insectoid points at him with a claw.
TEACHER INSECTOID
Sit.
Ace instinctively sits at the desk.
TEACHER INSECTOID
Good boy.
The teacher pats him on the head and cups a chocolate morsel
to his mouth. Ace sniffs then eats it.
Then he realizes what's going on and stands up.
The Teacher points again.
TEACHER INSECTOID
Sit!
Ace crosses his arms.
The teacher zaps him through his collar. Threep jumps off of
his shoulder as Ace falls to the ground.
THREEP
Ouch! Wow that hurts! You should do
what they say.
Ace picks himself up, grits his teeth, and crosses his arms
again.
He gets zapped again, falls down.
THREEP
Please Ace! They won't stop. I hate
this!
Ace sits in the chair and pouts.
The teacher gives him a chocolate which he grudgingly eats.
TEACHER INSECTOID
Now we will practice more commands.
Jump!
Ace rolls his eyes, stands, and hops.
EXT. LUNCH AREA - DAY
On top of the spiny skyscraper, nestled between two golden
spires, sits a grassy area with picnic tables.
About fifty disobedient humans group into cliques, talking
and eating hot pockets.
A door in one spire squeaks open and Ace emerges.
Ace searches the crowd to no avail then finds the hot pocket
dispenser.
ACE
This really sucks.
THREEP
I know Ace. There is nothing we can
do but get through it.
Ace takes a lap around the yard, searching through the
cliques. They are all 'bad'-looking but with different
social, age and ethnic ecentricities.
ACE
So tell me more about yourself,
Threep.
They wander past a group of old biker males.
THREEP
Well I was a flooper on my planet,
I ran floops.
They stroll past the young preps group as Ace looks
questioningly.
THREEP
Floops are little mazes in three
dimensions that are alive. They can
eat you. I ran them for fun and
profit. It was cool!
Ace raises his eyebrows, shrugs, and nods.
THREEP
One day I was minding my own
business, thronging in a field of
crystals, when I was kidnapped by a
huge spaceship. Ah, there she is.
Threep points with his eyestalks at Alyssa's caterpillar, who
winks. She is on the grass next to a sitting Alyssa.
Ace moseys over.
ACE
Hi.
ALYSSA
Hi. So how did it go?
THREEP
It hurt!
Ace smiles painfully.
ACE
My useless ROTC training finally
paid off. I hope this doesn't last
long.
ALYSSA
Two weeks. I'm done today.
Alyssa looks around suspiciously.
ALYSSA
Do you want off this planet?
Ace looks around now.
ACE
Of course I do.
Threep looks around also.
THREEP
Me too!
ALYSSA
Then do this. Get through it. Fight
a little, don't let it go to easy.
Then when you're done, tell them
you still have obedience problems.
Ace is confused.
ACE
And that will help me how?
ALYSSA
Because then they will let you go
to the Disobedient Humans Anonymous
meetings.
Ace realizes the import of the words.
ACE
And THAT is where you are building
the spaceship!
Alyssa shakes her head.
ALYSSA
No. That is where we have the
meetings.
Ace is deflated.
ACE
Oh.
Alyssa smiles demurely.
ALYSSA
Of the Underground Resistance
Forces!
THREEP
Yay!
ALYSSA
Yes. Very yay. We are a motley crew
of rebels with nothing in common
except for our desire to be free.
ACE
And the looks that kill. Sorry.
Motley Crue joke. Okay, sign me up.
They all four smile.
[ top | previous | next ]