wemakegreatpets
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FADE IN:
EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
A beat-up car pulls into the parking lot. Out jumps ACE(mid
20s), a handsome if disheveled young man. He bolts from the
car, briefcase in hand, and sprints to the huge front door.
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
A professional front desk in a quiet lobby. The receptionist
looks up as Ace bursts in.
She shakes her head sadly.
RECEPTIONIST
Ya got one minute, Ace.
A moment of indecision as he looks at the elevator, then at
the stair door, then at the receptionists, who shrugs.
ACE
Shish kabob!
He goes for the stairs.
INT. STAIRWAY - DAY
Ace runs up and around each landing. He passes doors numbered
two, three, four, five.
He is panting, slowing. He pauses for a quick bent over
hyperventilation. He continues.
Then finally he is at door number six.
INT. OFFICE - DAY
He pushes the door open and struts in triumphantly.
He smiles and raises his arms like an Olympian. The office
people ignore him. They crowd around the boss, SAM(35).
SAM
So I told him the attack was coming
from one ninety eight dot zero dot
zero dot one - and he believed me!
Everybody laughs at the geek joke. The crowd breaks up as
Ace approaches.
ACE
I was really, really new then.
This leads to a renewed round of laughter as Ace slinks off
to his cubicle.
INT. CUBICLE - DAY
Ace settles in to his messy work area, boots up his computer
and looks through his stack of repair orders.
Sam sticks his head in.
SAM
Didn't mean anything mean, my main
man.
ACE
That is a bizarre way of
apologizing, Sam. With
alliteration.
SAM
Joan in accounting needs a new hard
drive and Jesse in HR. Can't get
his E-mail. Again.
ACE
Alrighty then.
Sam turns to leave, then turns back.
SAM
And tonight everybody is coming
with me to the desert to see my new
detector at work. Just got it.
ACE
I really have a bunch of stuff to
take care of.
SAM
That's too bad. You'll be missing
quite an event. It's a potluck.
Suzie will be there.
ACE
Yeah too bad.
Ace grabs a hard drive from a small stack on a bookcase and
heads out.
INT. CUBICLE CORIDOOR - DAY
Ace passes cubicle openings, nodding and smiling at the poor
Dilberts that he cares for.
A head pops up out of a cubicle two rows over, looking like a
prairie dog on the cubicle farm.
CUBICLE DWELLER
Psst! Hey Ace. I got a little
problem over here. Can you help me?
Oh no. Ace flinches.
ACE
E-mail me a work order, Ye Cubicle
Dweller.
CUBICLE DWELLER
It'll only take a second.
Ace ducks and runs as jungle hunting drums kick up.
The balding male CUBICLE DWELLER (30ish) rushes out of his
hidey-hole, eyes blazing, Nerf rifle in hand. He cocks it.
A hunting horn plays - like the one from "Planet of the Apes".
Ace zigs and zags down the cubicle corridors, panting
heavily, then doubles back.
The Cubicle Dweller sniffs the air. He listens, head tilted,
frozen.
He grunts, eyes large, and sprints after his human prey.
Ace sees SUZIE (20's), a beautiful brunette, in her cubicle
and slides to a stop.
The jungle drums pause.
Ace scuffs the carpet with his heel, looking down.
ACE
Hi, Suzie.
Suzie looks up, blushing slightly.
SUZIE
Hello, Ace.
ACE
Got any new petitions to sign?
SUZIE
As a matter of fact I do.
She shuffles around in a drawer.
Ace hears the padding footsteps of the tracking hunter.
ACE
Bye.
The drums kick back in and Ace disappears.
The Cubicle Dweller, crazed eyes scanning the corridors, runs
in a smooth lope.
Ace spasms into his home base and feverishly digs into a pile
of binders, books, and papers.
SLOW MOTION
As the hunting Cubicle Dweller rolls into a prone position in
the hallway.
He fires his Nerf weapon. Ace jumps like a cat and spins.
Ace deflects the shot with a clipboard and shoots back with a
small Nerf pistol.
The soft bullet hits the Cubicle Dweller right between the
eyes and sticks with a suction cup.
ACE
That was close. You will never
catch me away from my base,
unprepared like that, again.
Sam appears, arms crossed indignantly.
Ace helps the Cubicle Dweller up and hands him the clipboard.
ACE
So be sure to fill out section
three so I can prioritize the work
order.
Sam frowns at the Nerf bullet vibrating on the Cubicle
Dweller's forehead.
Ace pulls the bullet off with a 'THWOK'.
The Cubicle Dweller wanders off, dazed.
SAM
You know what this means.
ACE
I don't need another form 10w42-a
in my employee folder, Sam.
SAM
Bring chips and dip tonight, then.
Ace nods solemnly and goes back into his cubicle.
EXT. DESERT REST AREA- NIGHT
The rest area has a few scraggly trees and a small brick
bathroom. It all looks creepy illuminated by two yellow
lights on a small pole.
The crew from the office congregate around two picnic tables
piled with food and surrounded by red Chinese lanterns.
It is an island of light in the darkness.
Ace pulls up in the lot in his jalopy. He jumps out with the
chips and dip and beelines to a group where Suzie is.
ACE
Hi Suzie.
SUZIE
Hi Ace. I got that petition you
wanted to sign.
He puts the snacks on the table and sidles up to her closer.
ACE
What's this one about?
SUZIE
It's the one to unionize our
office.
Ace tries not to roll his eyes.
ACE
Oh.
Suzie picks up a clipboard.
SUZIE
You want to sign?
ACE
But aren't we all salary?
SUZIE
We have the power. We are the
workers and the workers control the
means of production.
ACE
But we don't produce anything.
SUZIE
So you won't sign?
Ace smiles, in love.
ACE
Are you kidding? Of course I'll
sign.
Sam breaks away from his group and approaches, trailing
sycophants. He puts his arm around Ace's shoulders and guides
him away towards his nice new car.
ACE
(over shoulder)
Bye.
SAM
I'm glad you've decided to grace us
with your presence, young Padawan
The small group giggles.
ACE
The dark lord has much power, but
this force is strong with this one.
The small group is stunned. Sam holds up his hands and
smiles.
SAM
Truce! I need you with me on this.
These people are not like you and
me.
The small group looks at each other, confused. Sam poses arms
high.
SAM
We are SUPERGEEKS!
They all laugh.
SAM
You are a decent techie so I think
you will appreciate this.
Sam pops the trunk. He pulls out a high tech backpack -
riddled with hoses, knobs and meters.
Ace snickers.
SAM
What?
ACE
You're all set for Ghostbusters
now. Where's your jumpsuit?
Sam and the sycophants react with dismay.
SAM
I thought for sure you would get a
geekbone over this. Look at it!
He holds it up, demonstrating.
SAM
It's got detectors for every type
of electromagnetism plus a Geiger
counter,Hall effect sensor and
Doppler radar. Look. It even has an
RS-323 port!
Ace moves closer. Intrigued.
ACE
OK. You may be correct. It might be
cool. Where'd you get it?
The sycophants nod approvingly.
SAM
I had it custom made. Help me put
it on.
Ace takes the backpack and puts it on Sam. He finds the power
switch and it hums to life. The displays glow blue and green.
Sam reaches over his shoulder and yanks out a detector wand.
ACE
It still looks kinda Ghostbustery.
Sam walks over to the picnic table crowd. They ooh and aah
appropriately.
He holds up a champaign glass.
SAM
I will now go down in the annals of
history as the first man to detect
a UFO!
Sam downs the champaign then poses, wand arm raised. He
presses the button and waves the wand at the sky
dramatically. Nothing happens.
More dramatic waving.
The people go back to eating and chatting. Another dud.
EXT. DESERT REST AREA - NIGHT
The picnic tables have been cleaned and everyone is gone
except for Sam, Ace and Suzie. They sit a the table and have
a laptop connected to the detector backpack as it lays there.
ACE
The diagnostics say everything is
working properly. Maybe there were
no UFOs close enough tonight. I'll
increase it's range.
He types on the keys then points at the laptop screen.
ACE
This interface is pretty cool, see?
It's modular. If I hook it up like
this it should send out a pulse,
not detect it.
SUZIE
Do it!
Sam had a little too much champagne and slurs a little.
SAM
I don't know. Maybe we should study
it longer.
Ace types some more then fiddles with the laptop's scratchy
pad. Click, click, done.
ACE
Overruled! Fire it up!
Sam reluctantly flips it on.
ACE
Okay now wave it around. Let the
UFOs detect us instead!
Sam starts conducting an imaginary orchestra with the wand.
SUZIE
Try something else.
Ace clicks and fiddles on the laptop.
A silent whoosh and the stars are blocked out.
A deep dull rumbling. Ace looks up.
ACE
Uh-oh.
Sam notices the stars being blocked.
SAM
Yeah baby!
Then.
SAM
Shit! No witnesses!
Ace panics, grabs Suzie's hand and runs. Faint probing blue
lasers lash out in arcing patterns from the black space in
the sky.
They find Sam and circle him. Sam raises his arms in ecstasy.
SAM
Yes! Take me.
The lasers find Ace and Suzie and throw them to the ground.
Sam is lifted up bathed in light, arms wide, back arched.
Ace is lifted up, struggling and thrashing. Suzie is
screaming mad.
ACE
They better not probe me!
A glowing white square opens in the darkness above. They are
sucked into it.
The glowing square closes slowly.
INT. SPACESHIP CARGO HOLD - NIGHT
They are floating side by side wrapped with blue electric
ropes in a huge futuristic industrial room. There are rows of
palletized weird stuff on one side and hulking machinery on
the other.
There is a large square window, lit with blue, high up on the
far wall.
Sam grins ear to ear and gives the thumbs up to Ace, who
frowns.
Suzie struggles.
SUZIE
This is a violation of my civil
rights!
She looks at Ace like: "Do Something!"
Ace starts mumbling.
ACE
Um, yeah. This must be one of those
military black ops projects or
something.
Ace speaks up.
ACE
It was my mistake, sorry. I
signaled you guys by accident. No
big deal though. Just flash us with
the blinky-blinky thing to make us
forget and we will be on our way.
He smiles at his satisfactory response.
SAM
NO!
Sam glares at Ace.
SAM
Take us to your home planet and
share your technological secrets
with us, oh Star Brothers.
They start moving horizontally toward an open hatchway.
ACE
Thanks a lot.
SAM
Anytime.
A laser-like stun beam hits them and they are knocked out.
INT. UFO PRISON CELL - NIGHT
Ace wakes up in a pile of hay in a prison cell.
ACE
(to himself)
Oh no. Not a dream.
He jumps up and rattles the bars on the cell door. Locked. He
puts his hands on his butt.
No probing.
ACE
HEY! Suzie! Sam! Somebody! Space
guys! Shish kabob!
He examines his cell. A pile of hay, a toilet, a water
fountain and a button on the wall.
Ace hits the button.
A small panel in the wall slides open and a hot pocket is
presented.
Ace sniffs the hot pocket and bites it. Pizza.
A rustling in the far corner under the hay makes Ace jump.
ACE
Who's there? Show yourself!
The rustling continues. Ace backs into the corner of the cell
holding his hot pocket like a weapon.
ACE
If you don't show yourself I'm
gonna have to hurt you!
The hay in the far corner thrashes wildly.
A huge ugly green caterpillar the size of Ace's forearm is
revealed, heaving and writhing.
The caterpillar rights itself and looks at the disgusted Ace.
Big eyes on stalks, insect mouth parts opening. Horrible!
Ace is frozen.
THREEP
(childlike)
Hi!
Ace does a double take. The caterpillar smiles. He's cute.
ACE
Hi?
The caterpillar undulates in a circle on top of the hay.
THREEP
Yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi! How are you?
He looks at Ace and smiles again.
THREEP
Goodbye!
And he dives back under the straw.
ACE
Wait!
The caterpillar pops his head out of the hay.
THREEP
Wait for what?
Ace thinks quick.
ACE
My name is Ace, What's yours?
THREEP
Name is...
The caterpillar raises up and makes a shrill trilling sound.
ACE
Can I just call you Threep?
THREEP
Sure, Ace!
ACE
So what's going on? Are you one of
the guys who run this ship?
Threep eats some hay.
THREEP
No! I'm with you. We're prisoners.
Nice ship though. Big.
ACE
So what now?
THREEP
I don't know. Eat. Sleep. Wait.
The floor lurches and the tone of the background rumble
changes. The lights dim. Ace forms the hay into a bed-like
shape and flops on it.
ACE
I guess we're cellies then. Weird.
What kind of alien are you?
THREEP
Me no alien. Me a speckleButt. You
alien.
Ace closes his eyes.
ACE
I don't feel like an alien but I
also don't feel like arguing. So
I'm taking a nap. Good night little
buddy.
INT. UFO PRISON CELL - DAY
Ace sleeps holding Threep like a teddy bear. Threep snuggles
Ace.
Ace snorts awake to another floor lurching. He freaks for a
second at Threep being under his arm then relaxes when Threep
smiles up at him.
Ace sits up. Threep crawls to his shoulder.
ACE
Ah. A wonderful new day.
THREEP
Mornin'.
Ace goes to the button and gets a hot pocket.
ACE
So how do you know English?
THREEP
English? What's an English?
ACE
It is the language that I speak,
the words that are coming out of my
mouth.
Threep thinks.
THREEP
Oh! My Nanites help me with that.
Threep gestures with his eye-stalks and a gray stripe on his
back dissolves into a smoky cloud.
THREEP
I love my Nanites.
The nanite cloud and Threep snuggle.
ACE
So they translate. Can they help us
escape?
Threep freezes as do his Nanites cloud.
THREEP
What's to escape to? Here we have
food and a place to sleep, out
there is cold space between stars.
We stay.
Ace shakes his head, explaining.
ACE
No, Threep, you got it wrong. In
here is trapped and at their mercy,
out there is freedom and a chance
to go home.
Threep thinks.
THREEP
Ya think?
Ace nods.
ACE
If we could escape from here I
could take control of the ship.
THREEP
Naw, really?
ACE
Well we at least have half a chance
out there.
THREEP
Okay.
Ace goes over to the cell door and points at the lock.
ACE
Maybe your "Nanites" can open it?
THREEP
Good idea!
Threep chirps and the Nanite cloud spins into the lock. A
whir and a click and the door slowly swings open.
INT. PRISON HALLWAY - DAY
It is dark and shadowy.
Ace sticks his head out, looks both ways, then slides along
the wall with his back to it.
He comes to a cell door and whispers.
ACE
Suzie? Sam?
He hears a small commotion and Sam's face appears at the
bars.
SAM
Ace! How? What?
The Nanites open the lock. Ace stands outside the doorway.
ACE
Let's go.
Sam sees Threep on Ace's shoulders and bows.
SAM
I am pleased to be the guest of
your wonderful species.
ACE
This guy on my shoulder is not our
keeper. He's a prisoner like us.
His name is Threep.
THREEP
Hi!
SAM
Hi, Threep. I believe you should go
back to your rooms and await the
aliens.
ACE
C'mon man, you gotta be kidding me.
Sam shakes his head.
SAM
You are ruining everything.
ACE
It's not a room, it's a cell and we
are prisoners Abductees, Sam.
SAM
No we aren't. They probably have a
set procedure for handling fresh
intakes.
Sam steps back and convinces himself.
SAM
It is for our safety as well as
theirs. After they see we are not
dangerous they will let us out of
this holding area and we can start
sharing knowledge.
Ace has an idea.
ACE
Maybe this is a test? We should
escape to prove how clever we are!
They might give us special
treatment!
SAM
And they might also dump us back
home for not being cooperative.
Ace, you need to go back.
ACE
No, Sam. I am escaping, with or
without you.
Sam pushes past Ace and into the hallway. He looks for hidden
cameras and points at Ace.
SAM
No you are NOT. HEY! Alien ship
people! This guy is escaping!
Ace lays him out with a right cross to the chin and then
drags him back into his cell.
ACE
(to Threep)
Lock it up.
THREEP
You people crazy!
Threep's Nanites lock the cell door.
ACE
Yup.
Ace jogs to the next cell door.
ACE
Suzie?
Suzie comes out of the darkness of her cell.
SUZIE
Ace! How did you get out?
She sees Threep smiling at her.
SUZIE
You have something weird on your
shoulder.
ACE
Ah. This is Threep.
THREEP
Hi!
He looks at Ace.
THREEP
I'm weird?
SUZIE
Hi Threep.I'm sorry. no you are not
weird, you are oppressed, like us.
Threep is confused.
ACE
Enough small talk, let's get out of
here!
Suzie agrees and they run to the end of the corridor where a
droptube awaits.
It is like an elevator open on the wrong floor. They skid to
a stop.
ACE
Now what?
THREEP
We go in. We jump.
Ace looks at Suzie who looks at Threep.
SUZIE
If you trust him I'll trust you.
Aced and Suzie hold hands and jump into the tube. They hang
in space for a moment and then drop like a sack of potatoes.
Ace and Suzie scream.
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